Crying Out to God

It is not uncommon for me to hear from chronic pain sufferers who think that they are being selfish when they cry out to God. Because they are so selfless, it feels so wrong for them to pray for themselves instead of praying for others, even when they are in desperate pain.

However, the Bible paints a different picture. Crying out to God in your pain is the most natural thing you could do. This doesn’t mean that you forget to pray for others or fail to acknowledge their suffering. In the words of a now famous meme, “Why not both?”

Image result for why not both meme

When you cry out to God, you are acknowledging he is your Redeemer. When God commissioned Moses from the burning bush he told Moses, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering” (Ex. 3:7, emphasis mine). The connection between the people’s cries and God’s concern is directly stated, leading to God’s dramatic rescue of his people.

Throughout the Old Testament are those who cry out to God, who are not answered, and others who cry out to God and are answered. Sometimes the oppressed and the suffering have to wait on God’s deliverance. On some occasions, God did not answer, because they had cried out to other gods instead of him at first.

In the New Testament, the theme of crying out to God is present. When Jesus told the story of the persistent widow, his encouragement was to keep praying to God. He concludes with this encouraging word, “And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off?” (Lk. 18:7, emphasis mine).

When you want to cry out to God, please do! This is an act of faithfulness and acknowledgment of his status as Savior and Redeemer. To keep our pain within ourselves is to imply that we don’t need God to rescue us! Those in chronic pain may have to wait for deliverance, but we cry out to him because we know that eventually God will rescue us!

Don’t believe Christmas hymns that tell you Jesus was a baby who made no cry. Imagine in those first moments after Jesus was born, and his lungs were clear. How precious was the sound of his cries to his parents, but most importantly, to his heavenly Father. Thirty-three years later, he prayed in a garden, “Abba, Father!”

If the one who is God in the flesh cries out to God the Father, then we should as well. All the evidence proves that is what God wants from us, an authentic relationship that includes cries from the depth of our souls. He will hear, and he will answer.

Posted in Chronic Pain, Lament, Theodicy | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Chronic Pain and Mission

It was late October in 2015. I was traveling with my best friend, Chris Blair, and one of my church elders, Jim Chandler. I had always wanted to go to China, and the opportunity had come through the Let’s Start Talking ministry (LST). It was a dream come true. There was only one problem; I was in agonizing pain.

In Shanghai, these comfortable chairs were not so comfortable to me!

The flare had started back in June of that year and was unrelenting. The 15 hour plane ride to Shanghai was excruciating. By the time we landed, I struggled to walk. Our main activity, one-on-one conversation sessions, in a coffee shop hurt me every moment that I sat down. Another long flight loomed on the horizon.

When I got back, I began the process of radiofrequency ablation to relieve the pain in my lower back. The results were disappointing. In late 2016, I had a 2nd hip surgery, was in pain all the time, and was fighting my first battle with depression. Though my trip to Shanghai was my tenth overseas mission trip, I could not imagine boarding another plane for that length of time. If I did not improve, my overseas mission days were behind me.

I am writing this post because I just got back from an LST mission trip to Recife, Brazil. Obviously, I am feeling better. I was not pain free, but the pain was manageable enough that the trip was worth it (I’m not saying the Shanghai trip wasn’t worth it, but only that I couldn’t do it again under those circumstances). Part of the reason, I took advantage of the opportunity is because I don’t know how long I will feel good enough to do it. So, I would like to offer a few reflections on this recent experience as it relates to chronic pain:

Image may contain: 14 people, people smiling, people standing, shoes and indoor
In Recife, Brazil after our Hawaiian Party

  • Do what you can when you.

I know that “carpe diem” is an overused phrase, but there is good reason for it! When you are feeling well enough to participate in something you love, don’t assume that your renewed health will last forever. Those of us dealing with chronic pain know better than most that good days and good seasons are fleeting.

On the other hand, to do nothing because you are afraid you might hurt one day in the future is no way to live life! Pursue that career. Join that mission. Run the 5k. Go to church. Maybe you feel better for only a month, but why wait until you feel too bad to do what you want to do? Maybe that month stretches out to a year or longer. You will never regret living your life intentionally while you can. However, you will almost certainly regret passing up opportunities that were before you once your health brings those opportunities to a close.

  • Find a mission that even chronic pain cannot rob you of.

I love mission work. Every one of my eleven overseas trips have been meaningful for me. However, my identity and mission for life were not tied to my ability to pursue mission work. A couple of years ago, I worked through a mission statement with a ministry called Right On Mission. My mission is “to acknowledge the stardom of every person’s life.”

This means I help others to see their incredible worth before God. I help others to envision living their lives as God intends them to live. This mission can be lived out when I am hurting and when I am healthy. Even if I am confined to a bed, I can live this mission.

You may or may not ever go through a formal mission writing process, but you can choose to live for something greater than what your health allows you to do. I know people who have had to give up careers they were passionate about due to their health. This is a tragic loss worthy of profound grief. Even in facing such loss, some of those same people have found their purpose in living again.

  • Don’t give up on living a meaningful life.

This third reflection is perhaps just a way of restating the 2nd. I state it this way because there are times when the pain is so bad and the loss so draining that you cannot find any meaning in life. You are just focused on somehow surviving the day. But it is important that even in our worst of times, that we do not lose hope of having better and more meaningful days.

On our worst days, we often ask, “What does God want from me?” It might be better to rephrase the question, “What does God want for me?” God doesn’t need anything from you. In his love for us, he does want something for you. God intends for every person’s life to be meaningful. Chronic illness cannot rob us that meaning. Let’s end these reflections with a great reminder of God’s love from his word:

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Rom. 8:37-39).

Posted in Chronic Pain | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Why God Doesn’t Need Us And Why That’s a Good Thing

It is hard to get by a single day without using the word “need” in some context. Need is first associated with being in want. A baby needs to be fed. She needs her diaper changed. But even when we find ourselves in a position of authority, we use the word. A parent tell his child, “I need you to take out the trash.” A teacher tells a student, “I need you to sit down and be quiet.”

I wondered if the Bible ever said that God needed anything. As strange as it would be for the creator of the entire universe to have a need, I still wondered if I could find any verse with God as the subject and need as the verb. Did he ever tell Moses, “Moses, I need you to go to Egypt”?

I could not find a single verse where God was said to need anything. God commanded many people to do things. He even retrieved disobedient Jonah with a big fish to turn him around, but he never said, “Now, Jonah, I need you to go to Nineveh.” God doesn’t need anything, and he doesn’t need us.

Image result for god needs you
Messages like this are all around, but they do not reflect biblical truth.

Paul said in Acts 17:25, “And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else” (NIV). My short paraphrase? God doesn’t need us; we need him.

We wouldn’t usually consider it flattering to tell a person we care about that we don’t need them. In fact, we do need others. We are co-dependent; God made us that way. God cannot be co-dependent on anyone, because he is always self-sufficient. But this is good news for us two ways:

  1. If God doesn’t need us, then his interest in us is based on his election, his loving and sovereign choice. God is not exploiting us because he is needy. He is not lonely, being in fellowship with each member of the Trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. In short, God may not need us, but he does want us.
  2. Though God in his essence does not need anything, he chose to experience human need in the incarnation. The God who knew no need, was a completely helpless baby living with a peasant family! We can never imagine how far God stooped to leave the glories of heaven and without ever having known need to subject himself to the most extreme form of human need. He did this for us!

What does this have to do with us who are suffering with chronic pain? It means that God didn’t need you to hurt. You aren’t hurting because you are making up for some grand plan in the cosmic scheme of things that would be incomplete if you didn’t suffer. Now, I believe that God redeems and uses our suffering for his glory, but that is different than the idea that somehow God needed you to suffer. You are not suffering because he is somehow exploiting you. When others have told you this or you have believed it, you were subjected to bad theology.

Image result for god needs nothing
This is a better message…not surprising, considering the source!

It is rather in our suffering that our need for God is revealed. Had humanity never fallen into sin, then I suppose our need for God would not have needed to be revealed in suffering. But you can’t put the fruit back on tree, so to speak. Our world is full of suffering, of which the phenomenon of chronic pain is simply one way we experience it.

God has seen to it that one day we will no longer suffer. In the meantime, let your suffering remind you of one of life’s most important truths…you need God and he wants you!

Posted in Chronic Pain, Theodicy, Theology | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Pain In Middle Earth

I am a huge fan of Lord of the Rings and J.R.R. Tolkien. I know not everyone is and I promise not “geek out” too much about my Middle Earth fandom here where I spend most of time writing about faith in the midst of chronic pain, but some of you love this kind of stuff, so I am going to indulge a little bit today (and I’m still going to connect it to chronic pain)!

Image result for lord of the rings book cover

I recently finished a book by Daniel Day about Tolkien’s inspirations for his dark villains of Middle Earth. It was a short and fascinating read with incredible artwork throughout. Though I had read all of Tolkien’s Middle Earth books twice, I had never looked more deeply into the world of myth that inspired him. I was so inspired that the next book I bought was a book about Norse mythology.

Tolkien weaved together so many stories, peoples, and characters from mythology, one would be tempted to view his Lord of the Rings work as derivative. But the genius of Tolkien is that he made a better mythology than his source material, and he made it his own. Of course, as a devout Catholic, he also weaved in biblical themes and symbolism, because he believed that all stories were ultimately derivative of the greatest story.

Lately, I’ve found myself wanting to be lost in the world of fantasy, yes, even the world of myth. Is fantasy, as Tolkien conceived it, simply a world to which we can retreat to escape our pain? No, I don’t think so. Tolkien’s Middle Earth was full of pain, suffering, and death, just like ours. Heroes risked and experienced suffering and death in their battle against evil. In fact, even characters (like Frodo) who did not meet their ultimate demise, accepted death as inevitable to complete their quest.

I don’t think it is escapism that draws me into Tolkien’s world. I think it is meaning that pulls me in. I see something of our own struggle against the pain and evil of this world in the heroic stories of Frodo, Sam, Bilbo, Aragorn, et al. I am inspired that Tolkien’s characters saw their world was worth fighting for even in the midst of their darkest threats.

And maybe you think that doesn’t matter because it is a fictional world, but the best works of fiction echo the real world. We are caught up in an epic battle between good and evil. Everyday people decide where they will stand. Everyday people decide what they are willing to die for. Everyday people look doggedly for the meaning in their existence and in their world.

Who needs the belief in the reality of meaning and the story of good ultimately prevailing more than those who suffer with chronic pain? I need all the stories I can get that remind of the ultimate story. A story in which God himself heroically offered his life over to the forces of evil in what seemed like certain defeat for all goodness and truth. A story where even death itself could not hold down the Son of God.

That story is not a myth. But Tolkien’s mythological world helps me see that ultimate story in new ways. I will never tire of hanging out in Middle Earth. On my darkest days, it is still a place where I can find light. It is a place where I am reminded that pain and suffering are not things in themselves. They are simply the absence of good. Since good will prevail, pain and suffering will disappear when evil is vanquished. I will embrace every opportunity to be reminded of that glorious truth, even in the literary world of fantasy.

Posted in Chronic Pain and Literature | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Thoughts on the Loss of a Loved One For the Chronically Ill

I haven’t blogged in over a month and part of the reason is that I’ve been processing some thoughts during a difficult time. My best friend was killed in a motorcycle accident on July 12th and we didn’t have his memorial service until July 26th. I found that I lost my voice, so to speak, for a while. I had no words to offer anyone. Even preaching–my regular job–was difficult.

Image may contain: 3 people, including Chris Blair and David Heflin, people smiling, people standing and beard
Chris Blair, Jim Chandler, and David Heflin during a training weekend for a mission trip to Shanghai.

I didn’t prefer the long delay between Chris’ death and the service, but it might have given me a chance to find my voice again. I was asked to be the emcee for the service. I had the honor of opening the service and then facilitating the process of many others sharing their thoughts. By God’s grace, all went well.

Still, I didn’t have anything new to say to the chronically ill/chronic pain community. I was dealing with a very different kind of pain and I couldn’t find the common ground between the grief of the loss of a loved one and the kind of pain I usually address here. I’ve come to the conclusion that that is the point. They are two totally different experiences and one does not inform the other very much at all.

If I had never known chronic pain, the death of my friend would not have hurt any more or any less. And the experience of chronic pain did not necessarily prepare me for the type of pain related to losing a loved one. And that’s okay. I don’t expect that somehow going through one kind of pain makes you stronger for another type of pain.

The lesson is that grief and loss visit all people. We are not different because we hurt physically. Life is still life, and death is still death. This brings me an odd sense of comfort. Having chronic pain is a different kind of experience than what most people have to endure. It makes us different enough.

When I came together with Chris’ family and our mutual friends, I wasn’t thinking about my physical pain (To be honest, it has been much less lately anyway). I was thinking about how much we all lost when Chris left us. Just this day, I had some heavy things on my heart, the exact kinds of things that I used to always call Chris about. I couldn’t call him and it made me grieve all over again.

I do not grieve like those who have no hope. I know I will see Chris again. I believe in the resurrected Jesus and the complete victory he gives us his people over death. But deep inside me is a void created by the absence of a brother I will always cherish. And in this way, we (those of us with chronic pain/illness) are just like everyone else. I’m not glad for our losses, but I am thankful that we aren’t so different after all.

P.S.: Chris was a graphic designer and he is the one who created the Broken and Mended logo.

Posted in Chronic Pain and Grief | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Freedom For The Chronically Ill

As we celebrate our nation’s independence, I realize that freedom means many different things for different people. Some dwell significantly on our soldiers who have secured our freedoms since 1776 (the Revolutionary War actually started in 1775). Others may dwell on the freedoms themselves, freedom of speech, freedom to assemble, freedom of religion, and so forth. For me the freedom of religion is my most cherished freedom because I know that many of my brothers and sisters in Christ around the world do not enjoy such freedom. I try to not take it for granted.

Image result for declaration of independence

I often hear people who suffer from chronic illness express sentiments of being trapped in their bodies. That got me to thinking about what freedom means for those who are hurting constantly. You cannot escape your pain and you cannot escape your body. You manage as best you can, but in a very significant way you long for freedom from your illness.

Some have tried to escape their pain by taking their own life. That’s not freedom, however. That is surrender. Now I know that many good people have become overwhelmed by their own pain and took their lives. I do not have an ounce of judgment for them. But neither do I want to give any credence to the idea that suicide or euthanasia purchases freedom. Instead such irreversible actions just pass down your pain to those who survive you in the form of crippling grief. It is one of Satan’s greatest lies that death itself is freedom.

In the Bible, death is our enemy. Christ defeated death in the resurrection. Those who belong to Christ share in his victory (1 Cor. 15). Christians are now free from the fear of death (Heb. 2:15). Christians do not defeat death by embracing it, but sharing in Christ’s victory over it.

The Bible is an eschatological book. Eschatology means “last things,” but the entire Bible looks toward a horizon where everything will be as it should be. Such an aspiration is a concession that things are not as they should be right now. If they were, you would not be sick. You would not be dying. To achieve this aspiration, God personally came to earth and suffered in the person of Jesus Christ so that he could be risen from the dead and ascend back to the side of his Father, forever securing his victory over sin and death and ours.

Our freedom from pain and suffering does not come through our death, but through his. While it is true that death can be a relief from suffering, that is only true due to the hope we have in Christ. This victory produces a whole new eschatological reality.

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Rev. 21:1-4).

Sometimes freedom cannot be gained through a declaration–Even after the Declaration of Independence, the war raged on until 1783–but has to be waited on patiently. The Israelites were in Egypt for 400 years before God freed them through Moses. One day we will have our freedom from this body of pain and suffering. One day God will give us a new immortal body that will never suffer or die. One day we will have our freedom and it will never be lost again!

Posted in Chronic Pain, Eschatology | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

So You Are Doing Better…Now What?

The struggle with chronic pain/illness is not always a downward spiral. It feels that way at times. I can remember a series of doctor’s visits that left my wife and I shaking our heads every time we left the appointment. When would the bad news stop? I consoled myself with cheap Italian food at Fazoli’s–hey, we all have our guilty pleasures!

Medical diagnoses notwithstanding, the struggle was manageable until 2015. That summer I started to go downhill, eventually resulting in another hip surgery and nerve burning procedures in my back just so I could sit without pain for longer than 15 minutes. During those days, it felt like I would never get better. It was my downward spiral season.

Image result for downward spiral
Chronic pain and illness is not always a downward spiral.

Lately, I have been doing better than I have since this all started (2011). I would estimate my pain to be down about 75%. I still have a few rough days, but I have more energy and less pain than I have had for years. I am going to the gym. I’m losing weight. Instead of a downward spiral, everything is cycling up. I am very aware that this could all change quickly.

However, I believe it is important to take advantage of this season. If you are feeling better, do what you can now. Yes, your condition could change for the worse again, but that should be the reason to take advantage of the blessing of this particular opportunity.

I can remember when all of this first happened, how humbling it was to find out how severely limited I could become. I took what I could do before chronic illness for granted. I know better than that now! Even though I am not pain free, I feel almost normal these days. That’s a nice feeling.

Of course, continue to listen to your body. Don’t overdo it. Don’t hurt yourself. But do what you can and don’t forget from where you came. I mean don’t lose the empathy for others just because you are doing better, and don’t take for granted how well you are feeling.

I am not just talking about working out. Maybe you’ve put off a project. Maybe you wanted to write a book. Grab hold of this particular season that you have been given like you never would have before you got sick or hurt. You now have the gift of perspective. Use it to its fullest!

Posted in Chronic Pain | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment